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Resume of
a Loser
- Objective:
- Find a
job where the people I work with
aren't all against me. Also, I'd like
to find a job where the boss doesn't
pick on me. I'm thinking of someday
being my own boss. I want to make a
lot of money. I need some creative
space so I can make things. I want to
have the extra time to enjoy the
things I'm interested in, like
partying and seeing some bands. I'm a
people watcher, and I'm thinking
about learning to play guitar. I just
read a book that describes how men
can have multiple orgasms without
ejaculation. I'd like some time to
practice this.
- Employment:
- Astro
Gas, intersection of Greely and
Portland Blvd.
Employed: December 2 to December 22
1995
Responsibilities: I pumped gas,
checked oil, and sold cigarettes to
motorists and the high school
students that waited for the bus
there.
Reason for leaving: The boss and
everyone had it out for me. The
bastards I worked with told my boss
that I was stealing money from the
till, then they framed me for it. The
boss was picking on me for being late
a few times, and got pretty uptight
about me showing up with booze on my
breath. (It was a good damned thing
that I'd drank that whiskey right
before I got to work; otherwise he
would have smelled the weed on my
breath too. Hey, I wasn't kidding
when I said I liked to party, man.)
He got mad because I sold cigarettes
to minors. I think that law is bull
shit. He doesn't know what he's
talking about. He's an idiot. He
wouldn't let me have time off for
Christmas so I can visit my brother.
No one treats me that way. He'll get
what's coming to him. I'm telling
you; that bastard is going to pay.
-
- Parr
Lumber, Martin Luther King Blvd,
Portland.
Employed: November 6 to November 22
1995.
Responsibilities: Take the broken
pallets and make them into good,
usable ones. Got the door for the
contractors. Swept the parking lot
and yard to keep it free of dangerous
debris, like wet cardboard, sawdust,
and wood chips.
Reason for leaving: The boss would
ride me about smoking and talking to
people walking by. I was doing Parr a
customer service deed by establishing
good relations with the public. If
you call them they will tell you I
made a lewd comment to a customer.
That ho is fulla shit. She flirted
with me. She started it. My boss was
a dork from Vancouver. His daughter
was foxy and he would get uptight
when I'd talk to her. He was
infringing upon my constitutional
rights be telling me I couldn't smoke
in the warehouse because of "fire
codes." That's a bunch of crap.
Everyone knows that a cigarette
couldn't burn down a whole warehouse.
It was just too big. He was an
insensitive ass for not letting me
have Thanksgiving off to visit my
brother. He also claims that he
caught me jerking off in the
warehouse. I wasn't jerking off. I
got a sliver down there and was
trying to get it out.
-
- Burger
King, Barbur Blvd, Portland.
Employed: October 20 to November 1
1995
Responsibilities: Cook and janitorial
work. I took the 40 pound frozen
hamburger patty box out of the
freezer, broke them apart with a
screwdriver and a 5 pound ball peen
hammer and put them in the cooker
conveyor belt. Took the cooked
patties and buns (there are two
sizes, whopper and regular) and put
them into the appropriate sized bun.
Put the assembled burgers into the
steamer. It was also my
responsibility to clean the tiles on
the floor underneath the tables where
the cleaners couldn't reach with
their machines.
Reason for leaving: I came into work
the day after Halloween and a couple
pigs were there and they told me I
wasn't allowed to go in. The manager
came out and gave me my last check
and told me I was fired. I asked him
what it was all about and he said I
came in on Halloween and started
screaming and throwing things around
and shoved a lady up against the
salad bar. That's a lie. I was
drinking with Ciccione in N.E.
Portland. I was riding my brother's
Huffy (because my car was impounded
for a bull shit DWI charge I was
framed on.) I don't think there is
any way I could have got from N.E.
Portland to S.W. Portland on that
bike in one night, especially since I
was so drunk. He hated me anyhow. I
got more dignity than that. So I
punched the son of a bitch and the
pigs arrested me. That bald headed do
gooder punk deserved it. He had to
have been lying. He said I was on a
blackout. That's a lie. I don't
remember ever having a blackout. He
got mad at me for spitting on the
patties with my buddy Rob. He said
that that was disgusting and that he
was really disappointed. What a geek.
He didn't even see the humor in a
harmless game of "burger
roulette."
-
- Concannon
Lumber, N.E. Sandy Blvd. Portland
Employed: January 4 to February 21
1995
Responsibilities: Stand next to a
conveyor belt and pull just cut
lumber off the conveyor and stack it
on a cart and then strap it with
banding so the forklift drivers could
put the units on a truck. Bundle
pieces of pine with a piece of
equipment called a "sub-bundler,"
although it took me maybe two weeks
to figure out what it was REALLY
called because my unofficial "sponsor"
was this freaking monkey named "Big
Ass" (a name I gave to him
because that's the only thing I
understood when he talked; the rest
of his speech being drowned out by
the spit bubbles.) I really thought
the thing we did when the two of us
were bundling the pine boards was
called "sumbumblinb." Boy
do I feel like a fool. I was his
"buddy." I couldn't shake
him. He blew his nose on his shirt.
Reason for leaving: It was winter,
cold as hell, I was living in this
house that the bedroom window was
broken out of, and my bathroom was
frozen. I'm telling you, its hard for
a white man to get a good job when
all those minorities are out there
taking them all up. Bastards. Anyway,
the warehouse had its doors open so
the forklift drivers could drive in
and out so the wind blew straight
through. It was probably a -30 degree
wind chill factor. My boss had the
extra forklift backed up to us so its
exhaust would blow on us. Like it was
supposed to keep us warm. I got
frostbite because I was wearing steel
toed boots, so I quit. I realized
that my quitting might have put them
out of business, and for that I feel
bad. But you know, a man has just got
to have his dignity. I'm a great
white warrior, and I deserve better.
My PO can kiss my ass for getting me
this job.
-
- Badgely,
N. Portland
Employed: December 2 to December 20
1994
Responsibilities: Cut aluminum slabs
into 1 inch pieces, drilled holes
into them, and cut off the burrs.
Helped assemble golf bags. Piled
pallets into neat stacks.
Reason for leaving: My boss, Alan,
was a tyrant. He said that I was
being "careless with safety"
because I was caught jumping off the
third tier of the racks in the
warehouse into foam rolls I piled on
the floor. He also got mad because I
was skateboarding in the warehouse on
this ramp I had made out of spare
wood. It wasn't a big ramp, and they
weren't doing anything with the wood.
As far as the jumping off the racks,
it wasn't dangerous. The foam broke
my fall. Besides, it made everyone
laugh. Alan was a geek. He drove a
Volkswagen. People who drive VW's are
stupid. He got pissed one time when
he found me and Jay and Bret getting
high in the warehouse. I made a cool
fort in the racks on the second tier
that three of us could fit into, even
though it was really only made for
two. See, I made it for this broad
that was working in the other side of
the plant. Never panned out, though.
I told her about it and she left and
never came back. Huh. Anyhow, Me and
Jay and Bret climbed up there and we
were smoking the last of my eighth (from
this cool pipe I made out of a can
complete with a carb) when all of a
sudden half my fort was picked up and
taken away by the warehouse forklift
driver! I was trippin! Jay was
leaning on it and fell and landed on
his head. I was so stoned that I just
started laughing. Man, that was funny.
- Education:
- Astoria
High School
I chose to leave school because I
didn't like the way I was treated. I
got in trouble for skipping school
and drinking. People made fun of me
because I played Dungeons and Dragons.
That's a thinking man's game. They
were stupid and didn't know what was
going on. These chicks got me in
trouble with the cops because they
saw me running around with no clothes
on. Well, it wasn't me, dammit. I went to a
one week training course for selling
Chopco Knives. Learned how to sell
worthless crappy knives to suckers.
They even had scissors for cutting
pennies in half. Who needs that crap?
I learned lots and met a hot chick. I
stared at her all week. She refused
to have a drink with me. I even
offered to take her to the Ship in
Multnomah, and she said I was a
scumbag. She must have been a lesbian.
That's cool, I was just playin. I
didn't like her anyway. I just wanted
her to feel special.
- Skills:
- I am
very handy with a hammer, but I think
my calling is in sales or customer
relations. I'm a people person. I
spent a week with my step dad in
Arizona and he taught me how to weld.
I've become very interested lately in
pyrotechnics. Maybe a job starting
fires would be cool. Hey, I'm
flexible. I just need a goddammed job.
If I don't get a job soon, I'll be
forced to take up that offer that
recruiter from the ARMY gave me.
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