Excuses
Given for Corporate Layoffs
- "And now,
a reading from the book of Greenspan, Chapter
11..."
- "Hell,
we've spent the next 3 years' payroll
defending ourselves against all those sexual
harassment suits you gals filed."
- "We
finally found a way to force 12-year-old
girls in Malaysian sweatshops to do our
middle management for us."
- "We're
moving to Mexico -- and you're not."
- "Though
performance has exceeded expectations, the
Web Surfing 'n' Donut Eating Department has
been deemed dispensable."
- "The
company just isn't ready for that kind of
commitment and needs some space. We still
want to be friends, though."
- "Turns out
we're just another front for Al Qaeda."
- "Replacing
you with a monkey would mean more efficiency,
*and* less poo on the carpet."
- "Remember
last year's annual report, in which our CEO
reported a sizable outlay of capital in the
Jalalabad Hilton project...?"
- "Miss Cleo
says you gotta leave, you gotta leave."
- "Adverse
marketplace conditions necessitated a
strategic resource reallocation to enable
renewed focus on core competencies within key
client segments, resulting in headcount
rightsizing to hit shareholder-mandated
returns. Yeah, that's the ticket!"
- "Look at
it this way -- you can see 'Harry Potter'
every day this week if you want to."
- "Please
excuse Johnny for firing all those people.
He's a greedy, cold-hearted son-of-a-bitch.
Signed, Johnny's Mom."
- "It's all
about providing our customers a quality
product, Mr. Scapego-- er, Wilson."
- "You'll
notice your co-workers who haven't been
wasting their time with Internet humor lists
still have *their* jobs."
- "Look, it
was either you or someone we like."
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