The Best
Reasons for Not Coming to Work
- If it's all the
same to you I won't be coming to work. The
voices told me to clean all the guns today.
-
- When I got up
this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to
my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I
feel good about it.
- I set half the
clocks in my house ahead an hour and the
other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18
hours in some kind of space-time continuum
loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the
explosion). I was able to exit the loop only
by reversing the polarity of the power source
exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while
simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout
with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will
be in late, or early.
- My stigmata's
acting up.
- I can't come in
to work today because I'll be stalking my
previous boss, who fired me for not showing
up for work. Ok?
- I have a rare
case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I
know we have that deadline to meet...
- I am stuck in
the blood pressure machine down at the Wal-Mart
- Yes, I seem to
have contracted some attention-deficit
disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh?
So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help
you? No, no, I'll be sticking with AT&T,
but thank you for calling.
- Constipation
has made me a walking time bomb.
- I just found
out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I
shouldn't come in to work knowing my employee
records may now contain false information.
- The
psychiatrist said it was an excellent session.
He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't
bite things when I am startled.
- The dog ate my
car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
- I prefer to
remain an enigma.
- My mother-in-law
has come back as one of the undead and we
must track her to her coffin to drive a stake
through her heart and give her eternal peace.
One day should do it.
- I can't come to
work today because the EPA has determined
that my house is completely surrounded by
wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter
transportation.
- I am converting
my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
- I am extremely
sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
- My wife makes
more money than I do, so I have to stay at
home with our sick son.
- I refuse to
travel to my job in the District until there
is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair
share.
- I'm feeling a
little disgruntled this morning. You sure I
should come in?
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