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How Applicants Speak
(and what they mean)

• "I know how to deal with stressful situations"
  • I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of coffee breaks.
• "I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication and organizational skills"
  • I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
• "I'm extremely adept at all manners of office organization"
  • I've used Microsoft Office.
• "I'm honest, hardwordking, and dependable"
  • I pilfer office supplies.
• "My pertinent work experience includes"
  • I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
• "I take pride in my work"
  • I blame others for my mistakes.
• "I'm personable"
  • I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
• "I'm willing to relocate"
  • As I leave San Quentin, anywhere is better.
• "I'm extremely professional"
  • I carry a Franklin Planner.
• "My background and skills match your requirements"
  • You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
• "I am adaptable"
  • I've changed jobs a lot.
• "I'm highly motivated to succeed"
  • The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.
• "I have formal training"
  • I'm a college dropout.
• "Thank you for time and consideration"
  • Wait! Don't throw me away!
• "I look forward to hearing from you soon"
• Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.