When I came into the
office this morning, I noticed a sort of general
feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you
have called me a "dirty son of a bitch" to
my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at
the office New Years Party.
The Office Manager
called me from the hospital today and as this is my
last day, I'd like to take this way of apologizing to
all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone
personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb
whenever I try to talk to you.
First, to our dear
and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I
called you Friday afternoon. I'm very much aware that
your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a
Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and
my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana
was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your
children are undoubtedly yours too. About the water
cooler incident, you'll never know how badly I feel
about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when
they were trying to get the glass jug off.
To Mary, I express
my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind
you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on
the stairway as much as I did until the bannister
broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor
landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I
landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that
when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you
have ever had.
Sam, you old cuss,
you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I
played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I'd
have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if
that fat lady hadn't been standing right under the
window you jumped through. She really broke your fall
a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.
Gene, I regret
telling the fireman it was you who turned in the
false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of know
they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire
hoses sure have a lot of pressure don't they? And the
water is cold!!
Don, I know how you
must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom
closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie
quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your
chin on the sink when you bent over to pull up your
pants, it makes me sick. We'll have to get together
for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your
plates.
Nancy, the only
excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and
hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies
room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I
was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I
hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa
cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a
bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.
To all of you, I am
sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed funny at
the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her
husband is divorcing her because of it.
Urinating in
everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling
them about it until all the drinks were gone was even
worse.
Now that I have
apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven,
I will do my darndest to come to the picnic......
