Things to
Do in an Office Meeting
1) Take notes in finger paint.
2) Bring a huge jar of Vaseline to the meeting. Display
it prominently.
3) At sensitive moments, blow your nose raucously.
Apologize for your sinus condition.
4) Laugh uproariously at a quip that was made 2 or 3
minutes ago. Say, "Oh, _now_ I get it!"
5) Wear a disposable paper face mask. Tell the group:
"Hey, you don't want to catch what I've got!"
6) Check your watch very regularly, every 30 seconds or
so.
7) Make a face like somebody beside you farted.
8) Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell
you the _real_ reason this meeting has been called.
9) Slowly slump in your seat. When you are about to fall
off the chair, suddenly straighten up. Apologize
profusely.
10) Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a
little paper boat and sail it down the table.
11) Complain loudly that your neighbor won't stop
touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop
doing it.
12) Have someone deliver a large cardboard box to you in
the conference room. Apologize while you sign for it.
About half an hour later, have a different person deliver
another one.
13) Remove your shoes and socks. Lay your socks on the
table, turn each one inside out, and inspect them
carefully. If anyone says anything, tell them "doctor's
orders."
14) Roll your eyes at almost everything the boss says. If
addressed directly, adopt a cowering posture and stammer
pitifully as you reply. Ask that he or she "not hurt
you anymore."
14) During a meeting, each time the boss makes an
important point, (or at least one he/she seems to
consider important), make a little noise like you are
building up to an orgasm.
15) Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss,
leaves. Thank them for coming.
16) Every so often, duck under the table. Stare in horror.
Pop back up and look real scared.
17) Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to
clarify difficult points.
18) Take your temperature every so often with a candy
thermometer.
19) Distribute free condoms before or after the meeting.
20) Make all the stereotyped facial expressions to
indicate that you are a psychiatrist administering
psychoanalysis to the speaker. Take notes furiously.
21) Bring a pitcher of non-alcoholic beer to the meeting.
As the meeting progresses, start slurring your speech.
Belch loudly. Tell your co-workers you can't help it.
Start crying.
22) Have a timer that buzzes at intervals. When it goes
off, take a pill from a pill case and gulp it down. If
anyone asks, tell them it's to "prevent the seizures."
23) Lapse into a staring coma. Drool. Have a confederate
wipe the spit from your lips, and say "It's pitiful.
But what can you do?"
24) At opportune times, stick an inhaler in your ear.
Inhale deeply.
25)Ask your neighbor, nearer the speaker, to trade places
with you "so you can hear better." Gradually
work your way up to the speaker. When you are as close as
possible, stare up at them adoringly. After a while,
change your expression to a frown, sigh heartbreakingly,
and begin to stare into space.
26) Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In
time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a
little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly
crazy and everybody knows it.
27) Wear shades and carry a walkie-talkie with an
earphone. Once in a while, quietly say a few words into
it.
28) Bring a doughnut cushion and use it. If anybody asks,
say that your hemorrhoids are really acting up this week.
Offer to share it if they really need it. Be
embarrassingly persistent in your offer. Offer to show
them how bad they are.
29) Wear brightly-colored earmuffs. Explain that "my
ears tend to get real cold at these meetings." Ask
the speaker to please talk a little louder.
30) Stand up and start doing the Macarena. Forcibly
wrestle yourself back into your chair. Look real
embarrassed. Tell everybody "My doctor's appointment
is tomorrow."
31) Bring a large box of Depends to the meeting. Stow
them under the conference table. Explain to a neighbor:
"Just in case."
32) Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the
meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold
paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a
point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts.
Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod
vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!"
33) Bring a few telephone books. Add a few to sit on,
adjusting your seat height until the top of your head is
exactly one-half inch higher than the speaker's. Explain
that you sometimes have trouble seeing the presentation.
34) Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an
infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male)
speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the
room.
35) Play a game of jacks on the conference table. Explain
that it helps you concentrate.
36) When there is a call for questions, lean back in your
chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly,
and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B..."
(or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not
actually your boss's.)
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